TW: Sex, child birth, body changes tearing

One thing birth givers don’t always talk about openly (or even OB-GYNs for that matter) is tearing…or at least not the different kinds of tearing that can happen. Prenial tears get talked about often because the “husband stitch” that happens to help “tighten things” back up (and honestly should have never been a thing since many have experiences re-tearing of the area or it results in painful sex). However there are other tears that can happen and I had the unfortunate experience of it happening to me.

While there are other types of vaginal tears, I had my labia tear when I had my second. Child number two was not going to wait for the obgyn so I had residents (and maybe an intern or two) looking after me. The ob had been stuck in an emergency c-section, so who knows if there could have been away to avoid tearing in that particular spot or not. Anyways by the time he finally came in the resident (or possibly the intern) was already working on stitching me up.

After a completely snide comment when I asked her if she was almost done and me giving him back an equally snide response, he took over. Now I don’t know if he just hadn’t put in enough stitches or because of the tear location (theres a fair bit of scarring that I am always very aware of has an autistic person who is hyperaware of their body), and it didn’t heal fully attatched. The reason I include this highly personal, and some what embarrising personal story is because, it is the final little thing that is hard to accept about myself.

Granted while every labia will look different from person to person who has them, knowing that, that tear completely changed mine makes me anxious when it come to the idea of sex with a new partner or if a friend wants to go from just friends to friends with “benefits”. Not because of the sex, but because of the possibily of a negative reaction. My nesting partner having been with me through it all of course thinks nothing of it. Preparing someone new on what to expect though…and the possibility of a negative reaction…that is nerve racking.

It sucks to have that feeling breaking my confidence just a smidge when I worked hard to accept my ass shape, and worked hard to love myself has I am. Worked hard at healing myself and getting to know myself enough to realize I am nonbinary. That one little thought though intrudes on all the confidence and shakes it down.